


Cursed Memories

by viictoriasong



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), The Last Jedi
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 17:45:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13012923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viictoriasong/pseuds/viictoriasong
Summary: Kylo made his choice – and so has Rey.It’s for the better, she tells herself. She knows it is, but her heart won’t entirely listen.(Beware: contains spoilers for The Last Jedi!)





	Cursed Memories

**Author's Note:**

> A quick little thing I wrote following my first viewing of TLJ aka Reylofest. It explores Rey's feelings in the wake of what happened in the film. I absolutely adored it - Rian Johnson delivered, and then some. Thank you for reading!

Luke had been right – this had _not_ gone the way she thought. 

Hating Kylo Ren is easy. The man who had unapologetically murdered his father, who had tried to kill his uncle too and now plundered his way through the galaxy as Supreme Leader in his own right. 

But Ben Solo? That is an entirely different matter. 

It’s been months since Crait, and the Resistance has settled nicely into their new base on a different planet. It’s a game of waiting, planning, regaining strength and letting allies know that the First Order hasn’t won just yet. 

Rey can still feel him. _Ben_. He roams the edges of her consciousness. Sometimes, it’s on purpose: he reaches out to her with longing, his offer still standing, his words pleading for her to join him. Most of the time though, their connection flares up against their will. His emotions are more volatile than ever, and whenever his grip slips Rey is treated to a glimpse inside his messy heart. 

But she doesn’t let him get too close, and she doesn’t allow herself to go near him in this way either. That day on Crait, when everyone had been boarding the Falcon and he’d come to her a final time, she’d shut the door on whatever could have become of them.

Kylo made his choice – and so has Rey. 

 _It’s for the better_ , she tells herself. She knows it is, but her heart won’t entirely listen. 

Whenever the name of Kylo Ren is brought up, Rey joins in on cursing him. She regularly goes on small missions with the Resistance now, helping Finn and Poe in sabotaging First Order operations and keeping the Rebellion alive. 

When she rescues people who’ve been hurt by the Order, who’ve lost everything because of Snoke and suffered worse now that Kylo’s arbitrary rule is law, Rey is reminded _why_ she’s doing this. Why she’s with the Resistance, why she ever went to retrieve Luke Skywalker from Ach-To and why she keeps fighting for Leia. 

At night, her memories of the black haired man with the piercing eyes tell her a different story. 

The memories of Ben Solo haunt her. Whether Rey is awake or asleep in her small bed at the Resistance hide out, the tranquillity of the silent darkness unwillingly brings her back to the moments she shared with him. 

Kylo Ren is a monster, but what she’d found beneath that thin veneer when their bond had led Rey into his heart terrifies her more. She’d found Ben Solo: a man tearing himself apart in rage and agony, without a clue what to do with the sadness and loneliness inside of him. 

Upon finding Ben Rey had found herself: a person who mirrored her own distress in numerous ways. 

 _I’ve never felt so alone._

_You are not alone_. 

Rey buries her head into her pillow and screams, the sound of her despair muffled so as not to alarm anyone else. Tears burn hot on her cheeks. 

She’d put her trust in him. For a short while, when Master Luke had let her down and send her away, Rey’d been so sure that Ben could help her. _Them_. That the battle inside of him could be won by the Light and that he’d join her side to fight against the First Order. 

Rey’d bring him home, to his mother and whatever was left of his family, and he could heal and make amends. 

For a while, in that throne room with Snoke, it had seemed that way. Ben had killed his master, and when they’d fought next to each other to destroy his guards, Rey had felt alive and positively sure that things would work out. 

Instead, he’d broken her heart. 

 _You’re nothing – but not to_ me. 

All those longs years on Jakku, Rey had dreamed and wished and hoped and _prayed_ that someday soon she would find her belonging in the galaxy. That someone would come along who cared, who knew how she’d felt all that time and who would make things better. Together. 

As quickly as Ben Solo had offered her that, just as swiftly had Kylo Ren destroyed it all. She could not, would never follow him down the path he’d gone into. 

As more tears spill down her face, Rey flings herself out of bed. 

She can no longer stand to think of him, to be tormented by what might have been. She wanders the Resistance complex aimlessly, her thoughts focussing desperately on her friends and what is in store for them when day breaks. 

Soon, she finds herself at the door to Leia’s chambers. There is a light on inside: the older women is as awake as Rey, staring tentatively outside the large window into the night. 

She doesn’t know how Leia does it. The grey haired woman has lost it all, but she’s still here with her troops, fighting for a cause that has left her with enough scars to last a life time. 

Rey finds herself turning, not wanting to intrude on Leia’s solitude for much longer, when the door opens with a soft _swish_. 

“Can’t sleep either?” Leia turns towards Rey, a gentle smile on her face. She gestures to the chair beside her. “Join me.” 

Rey settles comfortably into the settee, some of her anxiety subsiding. No matter what, as long as Leia is there, life never seems that bleak. 

“I know what you’re going through.” Leia starts, her voice strong as ever. “I had the same with Luke. I could feel him, no matter if we were together or not.” 

Rey looks at her in surprise. Luke had been the only one to know of her connection with Ben – a mix of shame and sadness had stopped her from sharing it with anyone else. But given Leia’s own abilities with the Force, of course the other woman must have had an idea something was going on. 

Rey nods solemnly. “But it’s – _more_ , much more than just a feeling. I can see him. I can see where he is and what he’s doing. I can see inside his mind, his heart and I just-” Rey stops herself from speaking any further, before she has to cry again on this cursed night. 

Leia searches her face. “You didn’t expect to find what you did?” 

“I thought him a monster and instead I found myself. I found someone who feels exactly the same as I do.” 

“Hmmm.” Leia lets silence hang in between them for a few moments before gently rubbing Rey’s shoulder. “The Force is a fickle little thing. Constantly striving for balance, as Luke always told me. But what good is that when it leaves our hearts shaken, huh?” 

Through her tears, Rey smiles at Leia’s words. The woman always knows what to say and when to say it, doesn’t she? 

“I felt him too.” 

“You did?” 

Leia nods. “When the First Order was on our tail, tracking the cruiser. A number of TIE-fighters were approaching our ship, ready to blow up the bridge and he was there.” She turns her eyes away momentarily, instead staring out the window and reliving the moment. “It had been many years, but suddenly I’d felt him through the Force. _My son_. And it was as though nothing had changed – he was the same confused little boy that I last held in my arms so long ago.” 

The image of Ben as a young man, alone and terrified as he looked up into Luke’s glowing lightsaber, comes to Rey’s mind. 

“He’s not evil, Leia. I could sense the struggle inside him so clearly. It’s destroying him and he wants for it to stop.” Rey rubs at her eyes. “Snoke couldn’t control him in the end. I wanted him to come back with me, to embrace the Light again so that he could help the Resistance bring down the First Order. I wanted to save him, so he could help us and-“ 

“Save you? Oh, dear child.” Leia shakes her head, a look on her face not of disbelief but pity. 

Rey shrinks back. That wasn’t what she had wanted to say, but it was spot on. 

Somewhere, deep down, she’d believed that by saving the vulnerable child Ben that lived still inside of Kylo Ren, he could save the deserted girl she hadn’t yet stopped being too. 

“You’re not a fool for believing in him, Rey.” Leia said softly. “From the moment I first felt Ben move inside of my belly, I loved him fiercely. And I’ve never stopped doing that. We let him down, sure. Me, Han, Luke – we saw what was going on with Ben, but we didn’t have the tools to stop any of it.” 

Rey could believe that. 

“When Han and Luke gave up on him, I held out. I kept believing that my son wasn’t lost, and that the Light within him would win one day. But when he killed Han, I knew he was further from being saved than ever.” Leia’s eyes locked onto Rey’s. “And now that he is Supreme Leader himself… well, bringing him back _really_ feels like an impossible task.” 

Rey sighs. Rationally, this was a truth she too had come to accept. 

“But Luke came to see me a final time. On Crait, before he took up his saber against Ben.” Leia reaches for Rey’s hand. “And just as I’d given up, he urged me not to. Because as long as we keep fighting the First Order, as long as we keep resisting the dark and battling for what is good and _right_ , we won't really have lost Ben.” 

Rey looks at Leia, a long tentative look, and the grey haired women smiles at her. And just like that, she is back to herself – back to what she believes in, and back to reality. 

Whatever will happen to Ben Solo is a question for tomorrow. Today, all there is to it is to keep resisting the First Order. If Ben can no longer set himself free, perhaps she can do so by vanquishing Kylo Ren. 

Perhaps on that brighter day in the future, when the galaxy is free once more and the Dark Side has been contained, the memories of him will finally be precious and sweet.


End file.
